Recently I felt that it was time for me to try something new. I wanted to add a face, and a voice to the words many of you have been following along with. Please let me know what you guys might think, it needs some work but I feel like it will improve over time.
Blogging has been inconsistent to say the least. The last few years my family and I have been through so much. Together we have grown, and changed a lot. It hasn’t been easy for any of us, there were many challenges, obstacles, and days were I wasn’t sure about much of anything. I was so thankful that my life has been doing better, that I could do better for those in my life. I have made so many positive changes, grown, learned, progressed. I can honestly say I often feel happy, sometimes I feel accomplished, sometimes I even feel proud of myself. For those who know what a huge accomplishment that is, it’s also an accomplishment I wasn’t sure I would reach. Lately I feel unprepared, surprised, afraid and confused, I feel like I have been through and earthquake and I am trying to asses and move forward. The strange part of this new struggle, it has nothing to do with mental illness and while I knew it could happen I found myself shocked.
Coming through a serious bout of depression, for me, feels like what I imagine piercing a veil between fantasy and reality might feel like. All the while you are stuck in depression you know you lived another way, you know at one point you were happy, that you could do and accomplish things. However, during the depression it’s almost as though that life didn’t exist, like there is an alternate reality of immobilizing sadness, grief, pain, regret, self-pity, guilt, and remorse, and you can’t get back to your own reality. That’s where I have been on and off now for the past few years. In the midst of this life in my own person hell would be these agonizing moments of peace, clarity, contentment, happiness and an actual sense of positive change. These moments would become triggers to perpetuating cycles of things going good, fearing when things would turn bad, recognizing how the things I desired, the normalcy I craved, the life I wanted had been ultimately changed and could not be recaptured, which would then push me into grief, loss, self-hatred, and remorse.
The duality of life, the extremes of joys and sorrows, can be so difficult. When you add in many of the mental health disorder issues, day to day struggles, and sometimes I feel like I live in constant chaos. The difficulty of having real feelings, and emotions, that you don’t know how to express is agonizing. Then learning to open up,expose yourself, to actually put those feelings into words and share them is so difficult.
I have worked so hard, and come so far to be able to TALK; not yell, or lash out, or blame, but truly honestly talk about my feelings. This process has not been easy, and the positives far outweigh the negatives, but I have certainly faced my fair share of negatives. I have always struggled with labeling my feelings, there always seemed to be too many at once. The inability I had to recognize them made it next to impossible to express them. Then my fears of being disregarded, judged, ignored, and so vulnerable made it a touchy thing to share, to talk, and to open myself, my thoughts to the judgments of not only other people, but people I loved and felt terribly afraid of losing.
“there was a crack in Pansay’s head and a little bit of the Dark World came through and pressed him to death”.
~ Rudyard Kipling, The Phantom Rickshaw
Today has been a hard day, a day where I relate to this quote from one of my favorite stories. Not for any reason in particular, nothing new, nothing outlandish. Today I have been battling deep feelings of sadness, hurt, loneliness, loss and so much more. I can feel the weight in my limbs, heavy, unwilling to go about my day, tears ever at the ready just sitting poised at the brims of my eyelids.