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The Messy Art Of Living

Wife and mom of four diagnosed with major depression, bipolar 1 disorder, and borderline personality disorder; learning to live a beautiful life despite challenges.

This is the journey of a woman's challenges to be a wife and mother of four while working through issues with major depression, bipolar 1 disorder, ocd, ptsd, and borderline personality disorder. Sharing her story while learning to live a beautiful life despite challenges; sharing thoughts, resources, experiences, failings, triumphs and perhaps hope for those with fears or that may be questioning what life may look like with these diagnoses.

Not just for women, but anyone dealing with mental illness as well as their families and loved ones desiring to support the day in and day out issues that accompany mental illness. If you suffer from one of these disorders and have a friend or family member that would like a prospective from a NON, please check out my husbands blog "You, Me, and BPD"

Earthquake

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Blogging has been inconsistent to say the least. The last few years my family and I have been through so much. Together we have grown, and changed a lot. It hasn’t been easy for any of us, there were many challenges, obstacles, and days were I wasn’t sure about much of anything. I was so thankful that my life has been doing better, that I could do better for those in my life. I have made so many positive changes, grown, learned, progressed. I can honestly say I often feel happy, sometimes I feel accomplished, sometimes I even feel proud of myself. For those who know what a huge accomplishment that is, it’s also an accomplishment I wasn’t sure I would reach. Lately I feel unprepared, surprised, afraid and confused, I feel like I have been through and earthquake and I am trying to asses and move forward. The strange part of this new struggle, it has nothing to do with mental illness and while I knew it could happen I found myself shocked.

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The Truth About Recovery -Some Personal Recognition

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Coming through a serious bout of depression, for me, feels like what I imagine piercing a veil between fantasy and reality might feel like. All the while you are stuck in depression you know you lived another way, you know at one point you were happy, that you could do and accomplish things. However, during the depression it’s almost as though that life didn’t exist, like there is an alternate reality of immobilizing sadness, grief, pain, regret, self-pity, guilt, and remorse, and you can’t get back to your own reality. That’s where I have been on and off now for the past few years. In the midst of this life in my own person hell would be these agonizing moments of peace, clarity, contentment, happiness and an actual sense of positive change. These moments would become triggers to perpetuating cycles of things going good, fearing when things would turn bad, recognizing how the things I desired, the normalcy I craved, the life I wanted had been ultimately changed and could not be recaptured, which would then push me into grief, loss, self-hatred, and remorse.

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The Continued Work and Clean up

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The duality of  life, the extremes of joys and sorrows, can be so difficult. When you add in many of the mental health disorder issues, day to day struggles, and sometimes I feel like I live in constant chaos. The difficulty of having real feelings, and emotions, that you don’t know how to express is agonizing. Then learning to open up,expose yourself, to actually put those feelings into words and share them is so difficult.

I have worked so hard, and come so far to be able to TALK; not yell, or lash out, or blame, but truly honestly talk about my feelings. This process has not been easy, and the positives far outweigh the negatives, but I have certainly faced my fair share of negatives. I have always struggled with labeling my feelings, there always seemed to be too many at once. The inability I had to recognize them made it next to impossible to express them. Then my fears of being disregarded, judged, ignored, and so vulnerable made it a touchy thing to share, to talk, and to open myself, my thoughts to the judgments of not only other people, but people I loved and felt terribly afraid of losing.

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Falling on Dark Days

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“there was a crack in Pansay’s head and a little bit of the Dark World came through and pressed him to death”.

~ Rudyard Kipling, The Phantom Rickshaw

 

Today has been a hard day, a day where I relate to this quote from one of my favorite stories. Not for any reason in particular, nothing new, nothing outlandish. Today I have been battling deep feelings of sadness, hurt, loneliness, loss and so much more. I can feel the weight in my limbs, heavy, unwilling to go about my day, tears ever at the ready just sitting poised at the brims of my eyelids.

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And Life Goes On…..

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So, hello there it’s been a while. Life as it does sometimes got hectic, and I was swept up in it. For the most part my day to day life is relatively normal. I do still have mood swings pretty regularly, however it hasn’t been as off the wall, or as hard core as it was there for a while. I am still finding myself feeling huge moments of loss and guilt over things that happened, at times they are so strong I feel like my heart is shattering and my limbs are dead weights. In these moments I feel the tears around my eyes, from the overflow of grief and regret, disappointment and loss, it all comes together in a sea of overwhelming sadness. Sometimes this feeling can be a few moments, sometimes it can be a few hours, and sometimes it goes into days. It sucks, its unwanted, it hits me from completely out of nowhere at times, other times I can see it coming, slowly headed toward me.

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